Alexa, play Jazmine Sullivan ft. H.E.R. “Girl Like Me”

I have been vibing to Jazmine’s album, Heaux Tales, since it dropped about three weeks ago, first playing the whole album all the way through a few times to replaying my chosen favorites countlessly; “Bodies,” “On It,” “Price Tags,” “Pick Up Yo Feelings”, and “Lost One”, but on Saturday, Saturday when I played another favorite, “Girl Like Me”, that shit hit different, like, super different!

As I drove and my Bose speakers blared this song, I found myself having it repeat over and over again, singing it with such conviction. I felt that thang to a level of piercing me. It seemed to have summoned up memories of times past, resonating once it tapped into some of my yesteryears and I remembered being in the disposition in which she is singing. Yeah, I remember being in a place of questioning my worth based upon the movements of someone I felt deep for, someone I would have given almost anything for and, in some facets, did to the point that I lost myself. She sang,

“Knew it was real when you blocked me
And I would sit at home judging my body
Wondering what I did to lose you
And why in the hell you ain’t choose me
Why you don’t love me no more? Yeah”

Damn, reading those lyrics is taking me back to thoughts of a few relationships that I have had in my past where I have sat in questioning, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, why not me, which is crazy, but I know I am not the only woman who has sat in that chair. Why is it that we immediately blame ourselves when someone walks away from us and or does not make us their choice, especially if we have chosen them more times than they probably deserved? I know that is a loaded question, but it is one that is necessary for us to address within ourselves. I am most definitely guilty of it and had to address it within me.

It took me to begin healing to fully understand that the solidifying of my womanhood is not predicated on validation from a man choosing me or not, but rather based upon the way I carry myself, the mindset I have, and the character I not only possess but also display. While I do have an unpretty chapter in my life that reads of some rock-bottom level flaws, I have more pages thereafter that do not read the same. Unfortunately, not everyone will want to turn the page, which led me to learning that a skewed perspective will always handicap your vision, so trying to understand why someone cannot see me where I am today is problematic because I am not sight impaired. Understand that it is not our job to make a person choose us, but instead prepare ourselves for the one God has purposed for us. We do a disservice to ourselves trying to qualify someone who God may have already disqualified and most of the time that is why we be in so much pain; however, at that point, it is self-inflicted. Whew, to finally learn that lesson; transformational!

I heard someone say that sometimes the rejection is God’s protection from something we cannot see be it something that individual is currently doing, saying, or a blessing that God is trying to get to us that perhaps that individual’s presence, in this part of our lives, can injure or cause us to fumble it. The truth is, often we overstay our season with people and our refusal to move on may lead to something occurring that results in us being forced to let go of them and that usually hurts bad. However, recently my good dude, AJ, imparted some wisdom in me in stating it is important to “be humble in your humiliation and humble in your rejection.” Basically, what he was saying is to look for the lesson in that rejection and to use it for our personal development rather than our destruction. Do not bask in the woe is me too long, there is a difference in being a hurt victim versus a hurt victor. At some point we must make the decision to pick ourselves up, dust ourselves off, and start putting one foot in front of the other. But, as always, there is a process to even getting to that point, step one though, is making the decision!

Y’all n**gas be making us sad
Then say y’all don’t know why we’re mad
So we start acting like we don’t care
‘Cause y’all n**gas be taking us there
‘Cause you don’t want us no more
It breaks us to the core
You must’ve wanted something different
Still don’t know what you was missing
What you asked I would have given
It ain’t right how these hoes be winning
Why they be winning?
No hope for a girl like me
How come they be winning?
I ain’t wanna be
But you gon’ make a hoe outta me

Whew!! The truth that she is speaking! Been there! Who else is willing to be honest right now because I am about to go there unashamed?

Look, I have definitely been that woman who was so inwardly depleted, due to my exploited insecurities, that I began to compare myself to other women in trying to understand his why in not choosing me, and that was such an ass-backwards thing to do. Shit, let’s keep it real, a lot of times, there is no true reason. People often don’t know what they want because they have not invested the time necessary to assess where they truly are inwardly, especially not coming out of a relationship. The problem is we tend to make long-term decisions on temporary feelings. If we would just pause ourselves for a moment, let the emotionalism die down, and spend the time necessary with just ourselves and no influence or distractions in the form of other people or things, we will eventually expose the true root of how we feel. It also negates us from wasting other peoples’ time, and even our own, on something or someone we do not really want. Coming into that revelation is what helped me to stop looking at another woman as winning if they are with someone I have been with because sometimes people are just placeholders until a person’s truth, or God himself, begins to force them to deal with themselves. Tuh! Perhaps that is not always absolute, but I will tell you, that 80/20 rule is real (shout out to Tyler Perry).

Once we ourselves fall out of the emotion dictating and distorting our personal view, we can then start placing the mirror before ourselves and begin the process of rebuilding and rebranding. We must refuse to allow the hurt to turn us into hoes. LOL. Now I am referencing the last line of the lyrics above when I say that, though I do understand exactly where she is coming from. Being hurt so many times can make you want to turn callous, hard, cold and in being honest, I remember wishing I could be more like the people I had encountered in my life who caused me pain. I remember wishing I knew how to not wear my heart on my sleeve, but to do that is to alter the essence of me. Instead, my focus is being cognizant on not giving my heart to anyone whose character is reflective of a familiar past.

The reality is this, no one else is you, know that and own that! We need to ensure that we are focused on loving and bettering ourselves, for OURSELVES, to make room for the greatness that is to come. As long as we are still breathing, our lives are not over. It is ok if you have been a girl like her, I was, just make sure you transform, or are working to transform, into the woman that is not.

Lyrics courtesy of http://www.azlyrics.com