Ok, so what had happened was, is that I wrote that blog the other week, “Indefinite Healing,” which basically was me shedding myself to myself, as well as it was an effort to help others who may be in a healing process of their own; however, anytime I do anything like that, there is always something that is produced from it.

When I write, I often go back and review what I have written because, as scripture says, out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks, or in this case, out of the abundance of my keystrokes, my heart and soul speak. In re-reading any pieces I write, I always gain a new revelation or a new perspective on things I am dealing with or it brings to light things I need to deal with, and this past week was no different.

As per usual, I began reflecting on what I have learned over the course of my healing process which brought me to thinking upon a recent unexpected conversation I had with someone of whom I have a quasi-familial relationship with. Within that conversation, this individual began speaking honestly about what they had come to acknowledge about people they once held deeply close to them which drew me in even more since I had never heard them speak in this way, but I couldn’t help but agree a million-fold with what they were saying. It was something this person specifically stated that gave me an aha moment to something I had been trying to figure out regarding an individual I was extremely close with at one point, but what I found more interesting is that it was the conversation with this person that gave me the clarity I needed to begin healing the wound that apparently is still open.

As I said in my last blog, healing is an indefinite process; the more time I spend with myself learning more about myself, the more I discover hidden issues that need to be rectified, and that is a good thing. Again, my goal is to obtain wholeness and not be anchored in the fear of my past repeating itself and the only way I know how to conquer that is to continue the work in me, facing every nuisance I come across and reconcile it or eradicate it from my life. See, the thing we must understand about healing is it is a choice, it is not something that just happens with a poof of pixie dust, nah, you must work at it and chase after it. A lot of times what you may find that you must do in aiding your ability to heal is to forgive those who have wounded you, and that, my friend, can sometimes be one challenging problem.

What makes forgiving someone difficult? Tuh! I think we all can come up with a laundry list based upon our own experiences, but there are some common reasons:

It is hard to forgive someone who has not apologized. One of the biggest lessons I have learned thus far is that forgiveness is not for the other person, it is for you, to liberate you. There is a release that comes when you make the choice to simply decide to relinquish the hurt. No, it is not a simple deed to do, but as I said earlier, you must work at it. If you are intentional about it, you will eventually acquire it no longer having an emotional hold over you.

You are not ready to forgive them. Due to the magnitude of the pain I was feeling, I remember not wanting to put in the work to forgive the individual who caused it. For what? I became very much on the hype of “f*k them” until I realized how much energy it took to maintain that. At some point, I had finally come to an understanding that they still were controlling me in a sense, and I could not allow that to continue. Of course, being honest is key because to forgive someone when you really do not feel it in your heart is a waste, if you are not ready to forgive them, let that be your truth. You have to assess your situation and determine the best route for you, but I’ll tell you this, you will travel lighter through your healing journey the less baggage you carry, so think about it.

You do not know what you are forgiving them for. This is where quiet time is so necessary. You will always hear me or read me stating that it is important to have moments of stillness with just you where you check in with yourself and how you are truly feeling. Emotions are one thing, usually an in the heat of the moment reaction, but I have found that once you have had a moment to calm down and really think over and assess what has transpired, that is when you are able to begin to locate the root of your issue. That is then where you can begin to work towards forgiveness.

You do not feel that they deserve your forgiveness. Man, look, I get it! I have had some people who have been in my life that I definitely feel did not deserve an inkling of forgiveness from me AT ALL! However, as I stated in the first point, forgiveness is for me and not for them. I truly experienced liberation when I was finally able to uproot what had embedded in me, which was hate at one point. Feeling that kind of toxic emotion for someone was so exhausting. I could literally feel its effects on me and that is when I knew I had to find a way to forgive that person, and I won’t lie, it took years, but I did acquire it.

They have not asked you to forgive them. There is a big difference between “I’m sorry” and “please forgive me,” one has become commonplace and lacks obligation, the other has acknowledgement, accountability, and obligation attached to it. To me, telling someone that you are sorry is what we are taught to say as children whenever we do anything to someone be it a minor mistake that cause no real ramifications to things that do. I often have found myself saying sorry as a common reflex reaction with no true feeling behind it, it was just the thing I was supposed to say in the moment. With forgiveness, I have not asked many people to forgive me for something, though those who did hear those words from me also saw a change in me. Why is that? Well, I believe that when you ask someone to forgive you, you are saying (or should be saying) that you acknowledge what you did, you are intentional about changing that behavior, and with them forgiving you, they too hold an obligation to no longer let this be an issue that is brought up again between you two. See, when you ask someone to forgive you, it becomes a two-way accountability and obligation transaction, it is a serious disposition in my opinion, and it holds more weight with me. I respect a person who can own their shit and say, hey, I am going to do better.

One thing I think is important to point out is that even though you forgive someone, it does not require you to reconcile the relationship. I feel that is a misconception that many people have or had, me included at one point. I remember someone telling me, that’s just the devil trying to cause this or that, and I’m like, no, well, unless you are saying the devil is in that person, then ok I agree, but mostly the problem is that people need to hold themselves accountable to their behaviors and stop feeling entitled to the notion that in order for someone to truly have forgiven you, they must still be in relationship with you. What we need to understand is sometimes damage is damage, and though I may not feel like I hate you or dislike you, I may no longer be willing to risk my heart being accessible by you, and that too is ok. C’est la vie. These last several years have taught me that the saying “when someone shows you who they are, believe them” is so, so real. In turn, it has taught me how mandatory it is for me to protect myself and set boundaries, as necessary.

This is all just my opinion based on what I have travailed through so far, your experience may not be the same, but I believe the one thing we can agree on is holding on to unforgiveness does more damage to ourselves than it does the other person. Do not let anyone have that kind of power over you. Free yourself!