HEALING. Ugh…

Look, one thing I can tell you for sure about healing is that it is messy, and it has no timeframe to it, it is definitely an indefinite process.

But that’s ok.

Over the last few weeks, I’ve continuously found myself engulfed in conversations with others discussing my realization that I am still in my healing process. It’s funny though, I guess I assumed I was healed when I was finally able to acknowledge and accept my divorce, the fact that my ex was in a relationship and I was no longer shedding tears about any of it. Hallelujah! BUT apparently healing does not end there. I mean, sure, those were some mountains to climb and being honest, I never envisioned myself being able to climb over their peaks; oh, but God! However, what I didn’t know is that yet in conquering that feat, there is still an aftermath that follows; ladies and gentlemen, now introducing, TRIGGERS!

If you didn’t know, triggers are characterized as something that affects your emotional state that can overwhelm you, cause distress, or any other emotional reaction, mostly adverse emotional reactions.

Through a conversation with a loving couple, it was pointed out to me that I still had some healing to do as, even in the playfulness of my speech, I was still giving off that I had not released some things that hurt me. I tried convincing them that, nah, I’m good, I’m just playing, but the more I said it, and even after the conversation when I analyzed it all, I had to own that some things still bother the fuck out of me. There is still some forgiving I needed to do.

Forgiveness is one of those things that has always been tough for me, especially when those who have caused hurt do not apologize, refuse to take accountability, and when I’m waiting to see scripture enacted upon them, I mean, that would be poetic justice, right? LOL! But that’s a blog for different day that is soon to come.

Anyways, that awareness slapped me in the face, but hey, I own it! I’m just happy that I have people within my tribe who are unafraid to tell me or bring to light my truths. Of course, with that also came some hard questions I did not want to answer mainly because I was afraid that my response would put something in the atmosphere and bring it to fruition (AJ, if you’re reading this, don’t ask me no more questions like that, now go say Jumanji three times…lol). Yet, what it did do was cause me to, once again, go back into quiet time, solitude, and do more reflecting, search to innerstand me more and understand where I’m truly at in order to address and heal the areas of need within me. So far in reflecting, it has taught me or brought back to my memory some things I have learned that I’d say are principles thus far in my personal journey. Thought I would share my experience thus far with you below. What I have learned is:

Have a supportive tribe. This is one of the most important things I think we need when healing. Why? Because depending on what we are healing from, we may have days where we don’t know whether we’re coming or going, having emotional highs and lows at inopportune times. We need people who not only care about us winning, but also care about our no longer being bound by what emotionally ails us. Assessing and knowing who is really riding with and for you is critical in this time. As I stated earlier, we need people who will tell us our truths, even the ones we don’t want to hear at a time you don’t want to hear them. Know that yes men and women are deadly to progress. If you have them, expel or suspend them from at least this moment while in it. It doesn’t have to be for good, but don’t be surprised that in your growing, it just might cause you to leave them behind, and that is not always a bad thing. It just means that you may have to limit their access to you, but the reality is, you’ll know what to do based on how you feel towards their presence in your life.

Know that you do not owe an explanation of your process to anyone. I personally had to learn this because at one point, I found myself constantly explaining over and over why I took the steps I took to work on myself. What I found is that sometimes people will make your moves about them even when you tell them it isn’t. Honestly, in my case, I believe it was just their personal conviction of what they had done kicking in, nonetheless, my moves were for the benefit of me and if that caused their accessibility to me to be little to non-existent, then so be it. Again, it didn’t mean I loved them less, it meant I decided to finally prioritize me, and for me, that had been lacking for years. This also taught me that it is important to be ok with people not understanding you. Trust, there will be some who are committed to seeing you only one way. They may like to box you in for their own comfortability and reluctancy to change; if that is the case, let me be clear, THOSE ARE NOT YOUR PEOPLE! Maybe they were at one point, but apparently if you are in this season and they are showing signs of resistance to your evolving, nah, they are not your people, at least not in this season. But, hey, this is just my opinion, move how you want to with them.

Understand that letting go is necessary when it IS necessary. I’m not just speaking of letting go of people, I’m also speaking of things that are to the detriment of you like  unforgiveness, anger, frustration, stress, etc. Don’t allow anything to continue to exist that has a control over or negative anchoring within you. Let me tell you, that is sometimes easier said than done; ok, ok, a lot of times easier said than done, but remember, it’s a process, so you have to continuously work on it.

Be honest about every emotional tug you feel and FEEL IT! Don’t cheat yourself, don’t lie to yourself for the sake of wanting to be over what you’re experiencing. Don’t suppress what you’re feeling as that only delays your healing. You can only grow through what you go through. Listen to yourself and pay attention to your body language; emotions are expressed in more ways than just facial expressions and what comes out of your mouth. Tune in.

Understand that you may not know what your exact process is, but being present in every encounter will contribute to guiding you to the next step you need to take. The reason I’m writing this blog is due to that very discovery. I thought I was all good until I was faced with yet another truth about myself, and here’s the gag, I’m not even sure what I’m supposed to do to reconcile it. So far, prayer and constant introspection has been my go-to. What I have learned thus far, is that encounters I have had, be it negative or positive in-the-moment feelings, have eventually led to a benefit in me acquiring another level in my healing. The key is to live in the moment, feel what you feel, and when alone, reflect on what has transpired. It may take time for it to completely reveal itself, but if you’re open to it, eventually you’ll gain clarity to your understanding.

Challenge your own perspective. Now that is some big boy, big girl shit right there and is so vital to the process. It’s easy to point fingers and place blame elsewhere, and sometimes it’s rightfully so; however, it takes a mature person to hold themselves accountable for their actions, decisions, and the effects of their decisions. We do not know everything nor see everything, especially when we are in the throes of a situation. It has been my experience that as I grow, my perspectives have metamorphosized right along with me as I have acquired lessons-learned along the way. As of recent, I have had to learn not to be so defensive when being told observations loved ones have noticed of me and/or my circumstances, but instead, pausing to put a little thought to what they have shared. This is why people you have validated you can trust is essential, because you know what they tell you is not to judge or harm you, but to aide you in not remaining in a pit of pain and, at times, self-destruction. In my case, my tribe has been right. (eye-roll, I know they are going to have fun with me admitting that)

You can’t cheat the process; you must go through each step in it. One of my girlfriends told me this a few years back, but I see now how true it is. Skipping a step can be catastrophic to your overall healing and cause it to be delayed. Trust me, I have proven this to myself by stepping outside of my journey and moving ahead to something I was not ready for, only to fall back to the last step I was at and start over. When that happens, you don’t know how much time that is going to cost you. I have learned my lesson, so I am happily sitting my ass down and checking in to me; learning to be grateful with the ground I have gained, continue to discover me, and be content until it changes.

Self-love is essential for completing the process and achieving wholeness. LISTEN… self-love changed everything for me. When I finally established true love for myself, boundaries were implemented, standards were implemented, I began unapologetically prioritizing me, I mean, everything changed. When you possess self-love, you will not tolerate mediocre treatment by others. Instead of asking them to change, you make the change by removing yourself from them. Your peace becomes primal and anything that threatens it, you eliminate or reduce its access to you, at least that is what I have done. You cannot truly give love if you do not have it for yourself. This was the first thing I worked on in my trek and it has been aiding my steering along the way.

Lastly, do not let ANYONE force you to move amiss your internal feel. I said it before in another blog, the wrong person or thing in your ripe season can cause your harvest to rot; in other words, doing something before it is time can cause a mess to occur, especially when triggers come into play. YOUR healing process is YOUR process! No one else can tell you when or how to move within it because no one can feel what you feel internally but you. Your evolution through your process in not driven by anyone else’s timetable. If your positive changing, maturing, or growth impacts them, then tell them welcome to day one of the beginning of, or a portion of, THEIR personal process. You know, it’s funny, my ex-husband used to always get at me about me wanting things on my time and told me that I need to learn patience, it is also funny that my healing journey taught me he had a great point. (good job, dude).

Look, I’m no expert, I’m just a woman going through this thing called life with a focused plight to become the best version of me that I can, as should you. Since healing can be indefinite, it will be important to show yourself much grace as you filter everything out. Celebrate your overcoming moments no matter how big or small, you must champion you! Endurance and perseverance will be your best friends. If being free is your goal, do not give up on you, even though there may be times you want to. When those moments occur, apply pressure. Only you can run this marathon.