Alexa, play “Who Can I Run To?” by Xscape

Man, I have been struggling!

I’ve struggled in the worst way this past week, especially this past weekend. Who would ever think that Halloween could bring such a bad mood upon me simply by seeing couples dressing up, laughing, funning, enjoying each other’s company- as they should, right? And before you get to name-calling and labeling me and shit, NO, I am no hater. I love to see it; it truly was and is a beautiful sight to see. My issue is this single shit that currently sits upon my life! Seeing all of that reminded me of just how solo I am, and as I’ve admitted before, I’m over this shit! It has been cool for the heavy lifting part of my healing; however, I’m beyond that stage of my life and have been for almost a year. Where I am today, I long for romantic companionship.

I’ma go ahead and be vulnerable for a moment. Desperate doesn’t reside here, but when I say I long for romantic companionship, I mean I long for someone whose arms I can collapse in after a 60hr work week, stress from the terrible 2’s, and whatever other complexities we as women experience in this life. I long for the security you feel when your head is laying on his chest and he runs his fingers up and down your back as you somehow find yourselves breathing in sequence with each other. I long for listening to his heartbeat and thinking, “yes, that’s my rhythm.” I long for the warm body to cuddle next to in these now fall/winter months, someone I can turn over and stare at in disbelief that he has finally arrived in my life after all the bullshit I had to fight through to get to the point of his consistent presence. I long for a lifetime partner, for the one who wants me as much or more than I want him, emotionally, spiritually, mentally, and romantically. I can go on, but this shit got me tearing up.

I have had so many conversations with God via prayers, journaling, I mean, everything short of crying, yelling, and begging that He present me with the one He has for me. It’s funny because I shared my feelings with a couple of other single women who confessed they were in the same mind frame as I. One even expressed she actually did shed tears a couple of times in the last week. I feel sis, too. Like, seriously! I feel her all the way, I was literally there myself. The frustration will do that to you.

One of my good girlfriends told me it’s a process. I never seem to find comfort in the word process though I know it’s true. Being blind to what the process is, though, leaves you feeling like you’re walking through a house with all the lights off at night, trying to find the bathroom when you have to pee badly. It’s urgent! At this moment, that is exactly how I feel about filling the void I feel, it is URGENT LIKE A MUTHAFUCKA!

I go through this cycle weekly, maybe not as bad to where my mood is shifted to a state of going incognito from people, but I eventually will be ok again. I am just ready for this chapter to be over. Lord, can we turn the page already?